I Cried at 41 Years Old

I cried.

Tears flowed from my eyes - at 41 years old.

When I was younger, a movie line stuck with me: "男子汉大丈夫流血不流泪" - meaning that a man should only shed blood, not tears.

Honestly, I don't think any woman would be attracted to a man who cries.

Maybe that's why I'm still single. Haha.

But I cried because…

At a playback theatre performance, I shared my story about being a caregiver for my younger brother.

I shared how we fought as kids because I'd eat the snacks he bought, how much we irritated each other.

And now, how he has become a shell of himself.

Not being able to move without a full-time caregiver helping him with every activity in his life.

Getting up from bed, changing clothes, washing up, toileting, eating, and moving around.

He needs assistance in everything.

Now, he's also not able to talk much. A few words a day is the max he can handle.

He can't form new memories.

And he now has issues with swallowing, so he can only have pureed food.

Seeing him decline and deteriorate has been painful.

I encourage him that he's doing well, that he's getting stronger each day.

And I will continue to do so as he's my younger brother.

But sharing his story yesterday and watching some performers act out a short sequence of my sharing was so powerful that I cried.

There were 4 female performers.

One acted as me, one as my brother, and the other 2 moved with the story.

They started with a playful chase, and then a quarrel, then my brother was wrapped in a black cloth, restricting his movements. Mimicking his stroke that left him immobile on one side.

And as he tried to reach out and speak, another actor put her hand over the mouth. Mimicking his inability to speak.

All these moments just made the tears flow. Near the end of the performance, the actor playing my brother struggled to say the words... "fight on."

My brother has always been a fighter, and every day as he practices his walking with my full-time caregiver, he is fighting his fight.

Something so basic, but it is a daily struggle.

When we can have conversation with people around us, words are a luxury for him as he is trapped in a body that doesn't allow him to express his thoughts.

Health truly is one of the most important things in life.

Please, take care of yourself.