I Cannot Be Selfish Anymore

December 8, 20203 min read5

I don't feel successful one bit as the year's coming to an end.

I just finished two coaching calls started at 5am, and was about to rest when another mentor came online to do his daily live sharing.

He said something that stuck with me and I thought about how would I measure my success?

My current measure of success is being able to take care of my parents... and I feel way behind on that.

I stopped asking for pocket money when I was young because I didn't want my parents to pay for stuff.

By finding creative solutions, I am able to use stuff of lower quality but still produce equal or better work.

I hate when equipment breaks because buying new ones would be an additional expense and so I have learned to fix and salvage what I can.

I try not to talk about the challenges at work, business, and relationships, so they wouldn't worry.

I refuse to fall ill since I have experienced the devastation of crippling medical conditions affecting our family finances as well as our mental wellbeing.

And the mental load is getting heavier because I stubbornly refuse to change my path.

I sometimes get tempted to take shortcuts and lower prices, to take on wrong clients just because they can pay, or go back to doing the old things I did because there's still money to be made.

... but I know that going back will not bring me forward.

... But... it stings.

Oh, how it stings my heart... when I see my dad so frail. Within a year of losing work, he aged so quickly.

My stubborn streak came from my dad, he'll put up a strong front, so nobody will realize he's weaker than he used to be. He might even get upset if anyone contacts him and asks if he's okay.

And he is.

It's not like he's crippled or anything like that, but there's just something inside me that says "the clock is ticking."

I'm scared I won't be able to take care of him properly at his older age.

I can only now walk with him at his pace, provide a supporting arm for him to hold onto as we walk, chat with him about random things and sometimes entertain his odd rants.

While I do what I can, I know there's more I could do.

I'm scared because I don't know how much time I have.