2nd Warning: A Spoiler-Full Review of Mulan

The story so far: (1) Chee/chi means pre-installed skills at birth, (2) honour needs to be actually be said, (3) the Rourans crave colours, and (4) the phoenix is really a KFC kite?

If you have no idea what that is, there's a short post I wrote just before this one so have a gander if you'd like.

Let's get down to business!

5. Witches

Witch would translate to Wu Po (巫婆), which is witch grandma. Wu Nü (巫女) is a younger term but used more in Japan for temple priestesses.

Based on the plethora of abilities Xianniang could do, she would be more accurately described as Yao Nü (妖女) which directly translates to demonic woman. Google says it is enchantress.

Enchantress doesn't sound as evil as witch so why couldn't they just use the Chinese words to describe her properly? I mean, they've already shredded chee.

In Western culture, a witch is representative of evil, vile, weird, ugly, unholy characteristics. In Chinese culture, Yao Nü is usually represented as beautiful, enchanting, smart, seductive, powerful.

Don't believe me? Try a Google image search for 巫婆 and then try 妖女.

So if you're going to be a witch, be a Chinese witch. People still fear you but at least when someone kills you, you die Instagram-worthy.

6. Training

Mulan was hiding her identity and struggled with "True", but somehow could exude chi when Commander Tung sensed the first time he saw her even though she was already deceitful in appearance.

Tung introduces himself as their commanding officer by breaking up a fight, and saying "fighting will not be tolerated" but later when Mulan and Chen Honghui break out into a full-fledged wushu tournament fight during training, he watches on and even holds back the other officer.

Not to mention, is Mulan blind?

Commander Tung walks into the field of sight clear as day, no one else is moving so he's definitely within peripheral vision. Maybe she was mad with rage so she had tunnel vision, this is why she needs TRAINing.

Next, the scene of carrying pails of water up the steps. You don't need training, you don't need muscles, you just need chi.

Even if Mulan wasn't the most true and getting deeply connected with chi, she can accomplish tasks most cannot. So a partial connection gives her some random strength abilities, a complete connection lets her fly around with wireworks and stuff. Kinda like being connected to the internet via WiFi vs plugged-in cable.

And when Mulan makes her way to the top of the cliff, the failure trainees look up in amazeballs admiration while the camera pans around her in slow motion. What is this? A Nike commercial? I was half expecting Shia LaBeouf to pop up, shout just do it and then a fade to black with the famous swoosh.

These same guys who fail their training have to go to war without finishing their training. It's an easy guess on their chances of winning against a hardened bunch of seasoned warriors who can fly off horses, run up walls, and have already decimated multiple trained soldiers.

It's going to be a one-sided slaughter. But no, they are protected by plot armor, the power of friendship, and enemies who can wait for Mulan to hear Honghui say "bolt the door" twice.

7. Voice acting

My ears pick up on random Mandarin words thrown in to let us know we are in China. I'm not saying the actors need to speak in Mandarin, that's like expecting Simba in Lion King to roar roar here and a roar roar there, or Ariel in the Little Mermaid to communicate with sonar like a dolphin or bark like a seal.

Watching the show, I believe the actors had to struggle to make sense of the words.

As a small-time amateur actor myself, we take charge of the lines given to us often without knowing the full script. And because we're in small productions, our feedback as characters can reach the ears of the director, who will then consider if it works in the overall scheme of things.

I've not been in a big budget movie but it's quite infamous in the industry that the script is sacred and very little can be modified.

If any big stars would like to correct that, PLEASE CONTACT ME. cough But if you agree with that, also, PLEASE CONTACT ME. cough

When Mulan came back revealing the enemy's ploy to attack the imperial city, commander Tung said "Hua Mulan", and the Chinese in me went "HE SAID MULAN CORRECTLY! IN THE CORRECT INTONATIONS!"

And speaking about intonations, I'm guessing Jet Li was dubbed because he does not have a low voice like that. But if he did lower his voice register, it's still higher than the ratings I give the movie.

8. ... but wait, there's more!

There's so much more I didn't like about the movie but penning down my thoughts into something cohesive instead of the garble that I had to watch through was tough. And I'm still not through.

Next up, comedy.

Oh nevermind, I'll just say this about comedy: there's none. There's only cringe.

Done.

Next up, in part 3 I hope to cover the big fights and the key characters, but it feels like a huge task just thinking about it. Maybe I'm unsuited for the rage of words, I should pack up, go home, and be through. If you have any thoughts, I would love to read them and learn together about how this movie could have been so much better.

#2020MULAN #Mulan2020 #mulandisney #MulanMovie #moviereview #moviereviewer #haolan #dulan

FYI, Haolan which means "really bad" (好烂) is a word play on Mulan (木兰).